No, My Kids Time With Their Dad is Not a Break For Me

No, My Kids Time With Their Dad is Not a Break For Me Oh, so youre the one who gets a break This is what my single friends tell me, with sparkling eyes and well-meaning earnestness, when I send my kids to their dads for the weekend. They smile and laugh like were in on some fun secret. They mean it and they mean it in the kindest way. They say it in the coffee shop, in the office, in the bookstore. Again and again and again, happily chirping about my break.There was a time when I would have laughed politely and nodded my head, uncomfortable. That time isnt now. Instead, Im honest and I say, Nope.No, bedrngnis really.No, its not a break.No, parenting doesnt stop when my kids arent home.Sometimes, when I respond this way, my friends look uncomfortable. There was a time when I would have felt guilty for this. But now, I realize that instead I should expect better of my friends I should expect people not to chirp hurtful things. So maybe my frank answer will make folks think a little more about how their language might be hurtful to asingle mother who is the primary parent for her children that it might be hurtful to suggest that my kids are so taxing that I need a break from them.I dont. Not really. In fact, I wish they were here.I am always a mother. I am always the lead parent, too the one scheduling doctor and dentist appointments, keeping everyones schedule, picking up and dropping off, making sure that homework is done and school events are attended and fun is had. Im the one my daughter trusts to adjust her palate expander every day, carefully edging it one millimeter wider. Im the one who cheers loudly as my kids race in track meets and who celebrates quietly when my son has the best discus throw of his season. I rush-order ballet tights and shoes when my daughters suddenly dont fit any longer just before a big performance. Its I, alone, who drives my daughter to voice lessons and ballet rehearsals I, alone, who urges my son to shower after grueling workouts.I am a single parent without a reliable co-parent. Indeed, that was one of the many reasons my marriage didnt work. And when my kids arent at home, I think about them constantly. I worry. And I do my best to ensure they are cared for by the parte who didnt even know where my daughters elementary school was in the final year before we separated.Its time we stop treating parenthood like a job. Parenting is part of my life. Its something I chose to do, like so many other people have for millennia. In 2019, we dont accept anyone suggesting that fathers babysit their kids. Why should we accept the language used to speak to single parents that suggests the required, unwanted time away from their kids is some sort of a treat?Consider thisI am a mother, no matter where my kids are. I am a mother who worries that my daughter will forget to take her medicine and reminds her, even when she isnt home. I am a mother who worries my kids wont be provided fruits, vegetables and other heal thy foods while theyre away (because theres a history of this) so I stock up for when they return. I am a mother who hopes my son is sleeping enough, but not so late that it disrupts his rhythm for school mornings. I am a mother who worries that my daughter, who is prone to dehydration, isnt drinking enough and doesnt have what she needs to stay hydrated. I arrive to pick her up armed with fluids and she is grateful.I am a mother always. No matter where my kids are.(Cue the trolls to talk about how fathers can handle all the things mothers can. To them, I say Sure, some can. But not all parents are cut from the same proverbial cloth. Read the words I wrote, not the ones you want to read. And dont assume that because you are a dad / know a dad / have a dad that you know my life and my situation.)Dont misunderstand I dont want to stop my children from seeing their father. But I dont appreciate the insinuating that parenting stops at the drop-off point. Because it doesnt.No, my kids b eing away isnt a break. If anything, its a disruption from our normal, day-to-day life. The house is silent. The pull to cook vanishes. The things my kids and I share from talking about our days to the funny things our cat does are absent. The cadence of my very life is upset when my kids arent here. And sure, that cadence will eventually change when my kids are older and go to college and onto their adult lives and Im an empty-nester for real. But that time isnt now. Right now, I am in the active phase of parenting guiding my teen andmy tween through middle school and hopefully into a fruitful adulthood.Its a big job. And I love it.So dear friends, acquaintances, colleagues and passersby, I know you mean well. Really, I do. But youre mistaken. This isnt a break for me its a hard week. Im worried, Im off-kilter, Im having a hard time. I might look okay I might look no different from any other day. But theres an ache you cannot see.So before you congratulate me on my days off, tak e a breath and rethink your words. Hearing you say something like, oh, bummer I bet you miss them would feel a lot better right now. It would recognize the bond my children and I have. And it would acknowledge that raising my kids isnt a chore Im forced to deal with on the contrary, its an important part of my life. One I cherish.And to you, the other single parents out there the ones who are struggling as your kids spend time away from home Perhaps you, too, are feeling like your guts have been ripped from your chest. Perhaps you are parenting via text and hoping your kids are adequately cared for. I get it. Im with you. You can talk to me. I know youre struggling with your life disrupted, and I know its hard. But it will be over before you know it, and theyll be back again. I swear. Sarah Walker Canon--This story originally appeared onSheKnows.